Justin ran an amazing campaign, with a strategic cunning that shocked his opponents. Stephen Harper and Tom Mulcair underestimated Justin after his initial debate performance. They thought to themselves, "Canadians would never elect someone who is so shouty. Canadians hate people who shout." How wrong they were. Canadians love shouting. What Harper and Mulcair missed is that shouting works when you are actually louder than your opponents. The problem with shouting is that you look like an idiot if you are not really all that loud. But Justin was really loud. Brilliant. Talk about a rope-a-dope strategy: Justin clearly has an advantage when it comes to any strategy that involves dope.
Louder for longer = Winning
One would be wrong to attribute Justin's success simply to the people's rejection of Stephen Harper's policies. Outlawing prostitution in a nation of permanent permissiveness clearly resonated with a certain component of the electorate. For Justin to oppose such a policy clearly took courage, but I have to believe that he drew his inspiration in this case from his mother: promiscuity, whether free or at a price, is an inspiring rejection of the concept of patriarchy.
Courageously Rejecting Patriarchy
Justin's respect for women extends beyond allowing them to sell their bodies all the way to the niqab. Justin identified that women have an inalienable right to cover themselves in a sack in public. Whether women are on their backs, or in a sack, or on their backs in a sack, Justin supports their right to choose, or have a man choose for them as the case may be for Muslim women.
The Future of Canadian Prostitution
When it comes to language, Justin demonstrated a unique ability to redefine common terms in contravention of both convention and a standard dictionary. Before this election, one would have erroneously thought that investment required spending or saving in order to get something back over the long-term. Justin, however, brought clarity back to politics: in reality, investment is any spending that benefits a voting constituency. Clarity of language is a farcical concept perpetuated by the conservative (and Conservative) patriarchy: everyone has the right to redefine words to conform to their worldview. Justin, clearly, is brilliant.
Justin: Brilliance Epitomized
And Justin's campaign was full of hope. Under Justin's leadership, we will spend an additional 0.5% of our GDP on a yard sale of ideas to jump start the economy. And, as all Canadians know, yard sales are fantastic. I once went to a yard sale and bought a comic book. And buying that comic book was spending. And spending leads to growth. And so the government is going to spend money building affordable housing, because as soon as the government gets involved everything becomes more efficient and more affordable. What the government is best at, clearly, is spending your money in a way that improves affordability. And who better to spend money on building a new house than a drama teacher?
Yard sales: Awesome
You know, people initially criticized Justin for making statements that they described as "unintelligent," or, in some cases, "stupid." Some people even called him a "lightweight," which was intended to be a euphemism for stupid, but was clearly just a way of calling him an idiot. Justin may not be the fattest joint in the bag, but can someone who was elected by a near majority of Canadians really be anything but brilliant?
Bag O Joints
As Justin said, "Sunny days." We may be heading into Fall, but for our country, the sun is coming out in an extended metaphor that relies more on feeling than fact. And who needs facts, when, in fact, we have a leader with a heart? Stephen Harper did not have a heart, or at least not a beating one. No, he was actually a zombie. And no one likes zombies. And zombies don't like the sun.
Zombie Harper
And as little oprhan Annie would say if she was here to meet Justin Trudeau, "Tomorrow has arrived and the sun has swept the zombies from the field to allow for the legalization of marijuana." Because little girls love marijuana. And so does Justin Trudeau.
